guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
