Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
