'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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