i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
What a dumb baby whore.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
