life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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