I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you win again, gameday.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
