I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My ATM looks so different sober.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
