I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
