I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
