i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
