i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He better not be in your backpack
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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