My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
