Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
