It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
