Pappa wants mamma naked
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
