i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
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I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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