woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
