i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
