i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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