She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
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Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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