I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
