Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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