Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
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The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.