He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
