I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
