Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
