i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
