Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
