I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
