you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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