last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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