im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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