I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
