I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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