if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
