Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
