Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
