Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
