i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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