i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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