I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
