it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
