sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
