if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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