Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
