Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
