you would pick up someone in the library
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
