Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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