you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
