He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
