Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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