the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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