batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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