if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
