You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
