we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
