this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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