after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
