I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
