i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
